can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
