dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
