Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
