On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
