Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
