I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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