I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
