i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
