soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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