NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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