Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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