he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
