WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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