I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
