We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
