i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
