I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
