my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize