I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
