No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
