Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
