i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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