U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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