i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
