Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
