need another drink. this is the easiest way
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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