security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
