Me too!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
