totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
