im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
