I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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