Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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