Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
