JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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