omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
