just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
