if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
