I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
