What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
