never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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