Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
