I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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