i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
