She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
