I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize