I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
