The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
