My hair reeks of homosexuality.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
