Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize