Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
