I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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