You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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