I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
