It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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