Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You are the jesus of drinking
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
