Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
