sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
