watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its about making memories worth repressing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Let's get the cat blown out
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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