I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
