My first STD was from a foam party
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
