i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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